The Player:
When the Player was growing up, his dad taught him all the right moves and gave him the confidence to strut into any room like he was Billy Dee Williams about to hit up the dance floor. His dad was the one who taught him how to properly mousse up, keep his velour tracksuit at three-quarter zip to show off just the perfect amount of chest hair, and how to throw a wink that would melt the heart of even the iciest Elsa in the room.
As his way of giving back to the man who gave so much to him, The Player treats his dad to the exact same Father’s Day celebration each year: with a boys-only road trip up to Vegas for a little craps, a hefty porterhouse at the Dan Marino steakhouse, and a friendly competition to see who can croon Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual” better, down more Jager bombs, and stay on the mechanical bull longer at karaoke night down at Gilley’s honky-tonk.
The Executive:
No one climbs their way to the highest peaks of the business world without facing more than their fair share of adversity – which is exactly why The Executive is so thankful that she had her dad there to support her every step of the way. Other dads may have had some reservations about seeing their daughter playing with adding machines instead of Barbies, or asking to go to Finance Camp instead of Cheerleading Camp for the summer. Not The Executive’s dad, though! He just smiled, told her never to let other people’s opinions stop her from being herself, gave her the seed money to start up the first lemonade stand in her (eventual) refreshment empire, and kept playing her in Monopoly night after night, even though she had a 900-game plus winning streak going.
The Executive knows she wouldn’t be the tycoon she is today without her loving dad there to nurture her along the way. That’s why this Father’s Day, she’ll be gassing up her favorite private jet to fly her dad out for a steak dinner at Peter Luger’s in New York, followed by beignets at Café Du Mond in New Orleans for desert, and then back home to the game room of her palatial estate for a father/daughter Monopoly match-up…where she may just let him win for the first time since the first Bush administration, if she’s feeling generous.
The Captain:
They say that the greatest leaders are born, not made – and ever since The Captain used her first steps to toddle directly into the backyard pool, her father – The Admiral – knew that his bouncing baby girl would one day be destined for greatness. Not that it came as any big surprise to him – after all, The Admiral himself descended from an unbroken line of great naval leaders stretching back as far as the Napoleonic Wars.
While some children might struggle to live up to the burden of such a distinguished heritage, The Captain took to it like…well…like a duck to water. All she ever wanted to do was to make The Admiral proud – and boy, did she ever! Whether she was schooling her classmates in her advanced knowledge of knot-tying or critiquing Russell Crowe’s command presence in Master and Commander, The Captain spent every day showing off her passion for the family’s nautical legacy – and her determination to become the family’s greatest leader yet.
She knows she wouldn’t be the woman she is today without her father’s ever-present love and support. That’s why this Father’s Day, she’ll be taking her father down for a five-pound ‘Blue Whale’ platter of fried shrimp and quahog* (not to mention a few tots of rum) at The Admiral’s favorite beachside seafood shack, followed by a trip to the marina for a few leisurely hours browsing the wares at the local Boat Show – and, of course, a special V.I.P. meet-and-greet with The Admiral’s favorite celebrity, the guy who played Isaac on The Love Boat.
The Gunslinger:
You might think a bad-ass renegade like The Gunslinger would be far too macho to make a big deal about Father’s Day…but you’d be wrong, because the only thing The Gunslinger loves more than throwing on his velour tracksuit and taking a spin on his finely-tuned chopper is a little quality time with his dear old dad.
The Gunslinger couldn’t have asked for a better role model than his dad was growing up. His dad was the one who taught him to always walk tall, shake a man’s hand firmly, and live up to his given word – and also how to track a 600-pound grizzly through the woods, wrestle him down for a three-count fair and square (the trick is to catch him with a Stunner, a move which Stone Cold Steve Austin actually learned from The Gunslinger’s dad), and then turn him into a lifelong friend after he’s won that bear’s respect, just to show there’s no hard feelins’ after.
The Gunslinger has nearly lost track of all the countless lessons that his dad has taught him over the years. That’s why ever Father’s Day, he invites his dad over for a few bowls of his famous home-cooked ‘Six Alarm’ alligator chili, washes that down with a little ‘shine brewed up according to the family’s secret recipe, and presents his dad with a new piece of handmilled hickory furniture – just like his dad taught him back in the day.
No matter where your Father’s Day adventures take you this weekend, just remember: whether you and your dad end up taking on the meanest mechanical bronco this side of the Mississippi, jet-setting across half the globe, wrasslin’ down Grizzlies, or just hanging with old sitcom stars down by the marina, you won’t find a more comfortable outfit to do it in than a warm, velvety velour tracksuit – the perfect outfit to match any Father’s Day outing.
Happy Father’s Day from all of us here at Velomino!
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* FOOTNOTE: Quahog is an edible marine bivalve mollusk that is native to the eastern shores of North America and Central America from Prince Edward Island to the Yucatán Peninsula. Basically its a clam and its fried. Boom.
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So, on Father's Day Eve*, we thought we’d take a few minutes to honor some of the tv dads out there who have the sharpest tracksuit games around. We’re not saying they’re the greatest tv dads in history…but they’re certainly the best dressed!
Anthony Anderson as Dre Johnson and Laurence Fishburne as Pops Johnson, Black-Ish
What better way to kick off our list of stylish tv fathers then with a double dose of dads from the hit show Black-Ish? As advertising executive Dre Johnson, Anthony Anderson can be found consistently stylin’ and profilin’ in a series of a trendy velour tracksuits…and we know where Dre gets his fine taste in menswear, because his dad Pops (played by Morpheus himself, the legendary Laurence ‘Larry’ Fishburne) can be seen frequently sporting his own set of velour tracksuits on the show as well! We’ve gotta be honest here: we’ve always suspected that fashion sense can be passed down genetically (or a lack thereof–we’re not trying to put anybody on blast, but Ozzy Osbourne and family, we’re not not looking in your direction)…and if Dre and Pops are any indication, then a taste for stylish velour just might be embedded into the Johnson family DNA.
Cedric the Entertainer as Calvin Butler, The Neighborhood
We’re big enough people to admit that when we saw the very first trailers for The Neighborhood back in 2018, all we could think was, “Phew! We’re so relieved Schmidt found a new sitcom to star in now that New Girl is ending.” But it only took an episode or two to realize that as great as Max Greenfield is, nobody can hold a candle to Cedric the Entertainer when Ced’s bringing his A-game. As Calvin Butler, Cedric doesn’t just serve up great one-liners and classic ‘exasperated dad-face’ (all you dads out there know exactly what that looks like!) – he also brings a slew of stylish velour tracksuits to the table. We know most dads think they’re as funny as Cedric – but there’s only one original, and he looks gooood in velour!
Tracy Morgan as Tray Barker, The Last O.G.
We don’t want to brag, but we’ve been fans of Tracy Morgan ever since we first watched him croon that groovetastic theme song to “Astronaut Jones” way back in his SNL days. We loved him as Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock, we loved him as Spoonie Luv on Crank Yankers…and now we love him as Tray Barker on The Last O.G., where he plays the kind of bonkers tv dad that only Tracy Morgan could bring to life. Tracy has been representing the tracksuit lifestyle both on- and off-screen for nearly two decades now…so it’s no surprise to us to see Tray Barker keeping his velour tracksuit game on point week in and week out on this cult classic.
James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano, The Sopranos
There’s no shortage of elements that had to come together to make The Sopranos the all-time classic that it is. From the shocking deaths to the dark humor (we’re still a little bummed that Christopher Moltisanti’s mob screenplay never got produced) to that iconic ending, it’s hard to pick just one aspect of the show to call your favorite...or at least, it might be hard for most people. But for us here at Velomino, it’s a no-brainer: the Hall-of-Fame level velour tracksuit game! Almost everybody on The Sopranos rocks a high-level velour tracksuit at one time or another. But even though Paulie Walnuts has a few snazzy little numbers we wish we could add into our own regular rotations, nobody wore those tracksuits better than the man himself, James Gandolfini. As Tony Soprano, he may not have been the warmest or fuzziest tv dad out there—but the man could certainly dress like it!
Honorable Mention: Puff Daddy
Is he a dad in real life? Yes, he is. Has he gotten his fair share of screen-time on tv? Absolutely. Is he a ‘tv dad’ in the same sense as the other noteworthy entrants on this list? Not exactly…but he is one of the most prominent velour connoisseurs of the last few decades, and we will never get tired of watching him float around in that ultra-cool wind tunnel in his “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems” video, so we’re throwing him onto the list anyways. We love Diddy, we love his tracksuit styles, we still laugh hysterically any time we see that clip of him making a bunch of would-be reality stars walk from Manhattan to Brooklyn to bring him his favorite cheesecake…and we refuse to apologize for any of it.
We hope you enjoyed our run-down of some of the most stylish tv dads rocking velour tracksuits in recent memory. If you want to pick your dad up a gift this Father’s Day that he’ll love as much as Diddy loves that cheesecake, head over to our main page to check out our full selection of Velomino tracksuits – they’ll look so good on him, they’ll have any of these tv dads turning green with envy!
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*FOOTNOTE: We just made that up! But...seriously folks, shouldn't that be a holiday? Kind of like Christmas Eve and Mischief Night (aka - the night before Halloween when you TP the cranky neighbor's house) but better, because it is for Dad's?
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]]>The one thing to know about the V-Team is that they are calm, cool and collected, and that they rarely panic. So you can imagine our surprise when a CODE ORANGE email showed up early one morning at VHQ from one of the V-Team leads. They had received a tip from one of their highly placed and anonymous sources**** about an emerging fashion trend that is taking velour to places it has never been before – the velour bikini.
If there is one thing we love at VHQ, its velour fabric (aka the “Queen of Fabric”) and if there is another thing we love, its people doing things with Her Majesty that have never been done. Given the importance of this potential development, we immediately called for a CODE BLUE and tasked the entire team with figuring out what this was and whether this was true. After a day or so, the team came back with the affirmative – yes, not only was it true that the summer’s hottest swimwear was a velour bikini but that celebrities like Kourtney Kardashian to Winny Harlow and Bella Hadid were setting the trend. While we favor a specially washed cotton/polyester blend velour here at VHQ for our Velominos, a deeper dive into this showed that fabric used in these bikinis were usually a polyester, nylon or spandex combo – which makes sense for swimwear and the water.
Another “Mission Accomplished” for the V-Team. Nice job people, as usual. As a reward, go ahead and take the next 2 days off*****.
Have a great weekend everyone!
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*FOOTNOTE: They always do, for some reason.
**FOOTNOTE: Okay, not really. They can usually solve them without leaving their couch.
***FOOTNOTE: Lucky.
****FOOTNOTE: Nawww - they were just reading Page Six
*****FOOTNOTE: Wait – wasn’t this posted on a Friday?
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]]>They say that April showers bring May flowers – and here at Velomino, May is all about two things: crafting the perfect velour tracksuit and showering our moms with an extra-large heaping helping of love for Mother’s Day. Whether it was sweating out a 36-hour labor to bring us into this world, staying up late each year to bake our favorite pineapple upside-down cake for our birthday, or sitting with us through the entirety of “that loud movie with the talking rat that’s married to the tree” (as she calls Guardians of the Galaxy), our moms have always sacrificed so much to try to make us happy. So, in honor of Mother’s Day, we thought we’d share with you what some of our velour tracksuit personalities will be doing this Sunday to mark their own Mother’s Day celebrations, so that you can take notes – and maybe adjust some of your own Mother’s Day plans if inspiration strikes…
The Executive
Every mother believes that their child is destined for greatness – but when your eight-year-old spends weeks begging for a subscription to Forbes Magazine for Christmas, you just know you’ve got a future tycoon on your hands. The Executive’s mother recognized that spark of greatness in her daughter from a young age – and she did everything she could to fan those flames of inspiration. While other kids were into My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake, The Executive was playing with the Wall Street action figures that she bought her (the Charlie Sheen one came with three removable power ties and a working miniature cell phone, which was pretty cool) and hanging up posters of Alec Baldwin’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross.
The Executive knows that she owes her current position as a Captain of Industry to her lifelong love and support. That’s why every Mother’s Day, she tells her three weekend secretaries to hold all her calls, closes down the five restaurants she owns that her mom loves the best to the general public, and tells her helicopter pilot to fly Tony Bennett to whichever one she feels like going to – because Tony’s got an extra-special V.I.P. to sing for that day!
The Player
The Player may love the game…but he loves his mama even more! He knows that he owes his swagger, his smoothness, and his unshakeable confidence to growing up with the greatest mother in the world – a mother who showered him with unconditional love, bought him his very first velour tracksuit, and taught him all the freshest of his many funky-fly dance moves.
The Player’s mama raised him to treat every lady like a princess – so every Mother’s Day, he treats her like a queen, bringing her a bouquet of long-stemmed pink roses, treating her to a boozy champagne brunch down by the Santa Monica pier…and then heading straight to the retro roller-disco so that his mom can prove she still knows how to groove out on the dance floor!
The Gunslinger
Since the Dawn of Man, scientists and philosophers alike have long been asking the age-old question: are outlaws born, or are they made? While we may never determine the answer for certain, we do know that when The Gunslinger’s mother rode her Harley up to Sturgis the week after she was born, she had her strapped into her BabyBjorn right alongside.
When you’ve got a badass motorcycle mama who teaches you how to trick out your own custom chopper, how to stare down a grizzly bear and make him go around you, and how to ALWAYS win that knife-between-the-fingers game that Lance Henriksen plays in Aliens, does that mean she’s raising you to be renegade…or just passing along her own renegade DNA?
Either way, Mother’s Day for The Gunslinger always starts with breakfast burritos and tequila shots, moves on to a few spirited rounds of billiards and darts down at her favorite biker bar, and ends the same way every year: with The Gunslinger’s mama picking a fight with some dude named Spider (there’s ALWAYS at least one dude named Spider hanging around) just so she and her baby girl can go double dragon on the local riders from the Harley crew…
The Captain
While the other moms were shuttling their kids to soccer practice or karate class, The Captain’s mom was driving him to sailing lessons down at the yacht club and taking on extra shifts to pay for his “nautical gibberish” tutor, so that he’d know the difference between a mizzenmast, a jackline, and a shuttlecock (that last one is from badminton – without the tutor, he never would have known!)
But The Captain’s mother never minded the odd little looks she sometimes got from some of the other moms (especially that snooty know-it-all Debbie Malcolmson), because she knew that she hadn’t just birthed a son – she was raising a salty dog destined to grow up and become a leader of the people. And to thank her for her steadfast faith, love, and support, every year The Captain sails her out to Catalina Island on his private catamaran for a beachside family barbecue, where he grills her up a couple of lobsters that he handpicks for her while free-diving just offshore.
We bet those other moms are laughing out the other side of their mouths now, while their grown-up soccer-playing brats are dragging them out to a late lunch at Hometown Buffet – and “forgetting” to bring their wallets along. Not standing so tall now, are you Debbie Malcolmson! We all know your loser son didn’t “decide” to “branch out into entrepreneurial projects” – he got fired from Applebee’s for selling counterfeit jeans in the parking lot. And we hate to break it to you, but selling poorly-made lanyards on Etsy does not make him an “entrepreneur” either…
No matter where your plans take you this Mother’s Day, just remember: your mom deserves a little bit of pampering this weekend – and nothing says “pampering” better than a day spent with your loved ones wrapped in the warm, velvety comfort of a fine velour tracksuit.
Happy Mother’s Day from all of us here at Velomino!
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DIN DJARIN, A.K.A., THE MANDALORIAN – THE GUNSLINGER
A long time ago in a decade far, far, away, Han Solo may have been the perfect fit to wear The Gunslinger. But personally, we don’t think it’s any coincidence that as soon as Han elevated himself up to Legendary status, The Mandalorian came onto the scene to bring a new meaning to the word ‘Gunslinger.’ Sure, his Beskar Steel armor is pretty impressive – but if he ever decided to pair it with The Gunslinger, that would REALLY catapult him (or perhaps we should say, ‘jetpack him’) up into fashion icon territory…
REY – THE CAPTAIN
It takes a lot to make Luke’s upbringing on the desert planet of Tattooine look privileged – but Rey just may win the title for “Toughest Challenges to Overcome” in the entirety of the Star Wars universe. Left to fend for herself from a young age as a scavenger on Jakku, Rey showed an unprecedented level of grit, determination, and leadership as she rose up to defeat her evil grandfather, the Emperor Palpatine, once and for all. It takes a true leader and visionary to take on The Captain – and we know that the last Skywalker is more than up to the task.
BABY YODA (A.K.A, GROGU) – THE PLAYER (TODDLER EDITION)
Yeah, yeah, we know that “technically” his real name is Grogu – but he’ll always be Baby Yoda to us! From the moment he first stepped onscreen, B.Y. has been capturing hearts with his adorable antics and break-the-internet level cuteness. If there’s a two-foot-tall lothario out there who can melt people’s hearts quicker than this little guy, we sure haven’t seen him. Baby Yoda may be green, but those giant anime eyes of his have the people seeing red – which is why he’s the perfect match for the toddler version of The Player.
PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA – THE ROYAL
We thought it would be fitting to end our list by acknowledging the all-time Fashion Queen from that galaxy far, far, away – the one, the only, Leia Organa. Whether she was pioneering the now-classic over-the-ear bun/white robes look, cosplaying as a bounty hunter, showing off her stylish camo smock on the forest moon of Endor, or rocking that iconic gold bikini at Jabba’s palace, Leia did it all with a style and panache that would impress even the scruffiest of nerf-herders. Leia always embodied the grace and power of a true princess of Alderaan, whether she was standing up for justice in the Galactic Senate or leading the Resistance into battle…making her a perfect match for the sky-blue stylings of The Royal.
We don’t care who you are – whether you’re a Rebel or an Imperial, a bounty hunter or a protocol droid, a Jawa or a tauntaun – it’s tough out there living in the Star Wars universe! Ice planets, forest planets, desert planets, jungle planets – it’s gotta be hard to find one set of clothes that will keep you snug and comfortable no matter where your adventures take you. That’s why we here at Velomino felt so passionately about looking to figure out the perfect velour tracksuit for all of our favorite Star Wars characters – it’s just our way of trying to give back a little to the characters who’ve given so much joy to us over the years. So from all of us, to all of you – Happy Star Wars Day, and May the Fourth be with you!
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Han Solo - The Legend
Let’s get real for a second here: Luke Skywalker may have gotten the top billing, but I think we can all agree that the REAL star of the show was Han Solo. He had the vest. He had the attitude. He had the sweet ride, and the bad-ass wookie sidekick to help him fly it. And no matter what kind of editing trickery George Lucas tried to pull in that special edition, we all know who REALLY shot first when he got into it with Greedo at the Mos Eisley cantina. It takes a person with a special kind of swagger to step up to The Legend -- and Han Solo has got that swagger in spades.
Lando Calrissian - The Player
This one is also pretty self-explanatory. Only a player of the highest caliber would be cool enough to earn Han Solo’s friendship…and then cool enough to earn back the audience’s forgiveness after betraying Han to Darth Vader on Cloud City. But hey – players gotta play, and Lando more than made up for it when he helped spring Han from Jabba’s clutches and take down the second death star. The Player was made for those cats who are cool as the other side of the pillow – and Lando Calrissian definitely fits the bill.
Make sure to come back every day this week for more May The 4th posts!
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Up on deck today are the two villains - Kylo Ren and The Emperor. By the way - be sure to check out the official Star Wars site for tons of other information and cool ideas to celebrate, including how to make Ewok Sushi (which looks kind of good and kind of bad, all at the same time!)
Kylo Ren - The Stunner
Oh Kylo Ren…we STILL can’t get over how handsome and brooding you are. You’re the perfect combination of Leia’s leadership and Han’s swaggering charisma. But why did you have to rip off Darth Vader’s color scheme? You stunned audiences all over the planet with your good looks – and deserve to bring just a little bit more color into your own life with the help of The Stunner, you tall drink of water you.
The Emperor
C’mooonnnn…do we even need to explain why?
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Well, it took a lot of hard work and a lot of research on behalf of our crack team of writers, all of whom were really reluctant to drop what they were doing and go watch Star Movies during working hours. We filled up a lot of chalkboards with complicated equations, and finally got to break out those velour labcoats we had custom-made a few years back. One of our writers cracked before we made it all the way to the end of the prequel trilogy, but we’re happy to report that he’s stopped obsessively mumbling “Midichlorians” over and over and the doctors expect him to be back on solid foods again soon.
It was all worth it though, because after a few grueling weeks of binge-watching, we feel confident that we’ve finally nailed down the perfect tracksuit to fit all of our favorite Star Wars characters. So put away the holographic chess set, grab yourself a nice tall glass of blue milk and some Bantha Blue Butter Sandwich Cookies , and get ready to jump into hyperdrive because we are going to be putting up daily posts all week about the types of Velominos each of our favorite Star Wars characters would wear.
Up on deck today - Darth Vader (The Executive) and Luke Skywalker (The Midas)! By the way - be sure to check out the official Star Wars site for tons of other information and cool ideas to celebrate.
LUKE SKYWALKER – THE MIDAS
He may have started off as a simple farm boy from the moisture farms of Tattooine, but Luke Skywalker was always destined for greatness. From bulls-eyeing womp rats in his T-16 back in Beggar’s Canyon to taking down the Death Star in his X-Wing, Luke’s talents as a pilot were undeniable – and when he successfully resisted the temptations of the Dark Side, he proved that he could become the kind of Jedi any master would be proud to have as his padawan. As the golden boy of the Star Wars universe, Luke and The Midas make a natural pair, just like wookies and porgs.
DARTH VADER – THE EXECUTIVE
No hero is ever complete without a great villain…and Star Wars fans know that there’s never been a better villain than the inimitable Darth Vader. As Emperor Palpatine’s chief executive/head of Force-based air-stranglings, Vader terrorized the Resistance – not to mention generations of gleefully-frightened children – in his iconic jet-black armor. But, if the former Anakin Skywalker was ever willing to put the black cape aside, he would find that The Executive made the perfect fit for his color palette – and provides the ideal blend of comfort and mobility that you’re looking for when you get in a lot of lightsaber duels.
Make sure to come back every day this week for more May The 4th posts!
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The Suit
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As we were driving this morning, we saw the sign posted above. When we saw the words "Real Men Working", we thought - that's funny - could there be any other kind of men working other than "real" men (as opposed to robots)? Or was this just an over-the-top hyper-macho statement by an over-the-top hyper-macho tree-trimming company? So we decided to read all the way through, expecting to read something entirely different than what the sign ended up saying.
In an age where most firms focus only on the bottom line, this company* decided that they were going to not only be good at caring for trees but that they were going to live by an ethos of respect, equality and tolerance, something we also strive for here at Velomino. What we love even more about this is that the owner takes personal responsibility for the men working and includes a phone number to reach out (presumably in case of any issue - there are no words or copy (or even a company name) that makes this look like advertising). Leadership at the top sets the tone for the entirety of any organization and while we have never worked with this company, much less knew of them until this morning, we expect that one sees a much different attitude and work environment here than at a similar company whose leaders did not level up in the same way. We would also expect that this attitude permeates those who work there, so they end up spreading this ethos to other parts of their lives and communities.
While we still have so so far to go to reach true equality and tolerance, and in an era where we are constantly bombarded with news, tweets and posts highlighting disrespect and intolerance, it is always encouraging to see an everyday reminder that there are people out there who, in their own way, are trying to make things better for all of us.
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*Footnote - the name of the company is All Phases of Tree Care in Los Angeles, California (http://www.tree-guardian.com/)
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The Runner
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For some of the ideas, it is not clear whether technology, techniques and machinery exist to execute on them in a sustainable way. So the choice in those cases is either to invent new technology and techniques or improve upon/combine existing ones to allow us to bring these ideas to life. While these challenges can be invigorating, frankly, they can also be slightly daunting as the road to fruition seems to wind and stretch its way into infinity.
When the session finished yesterday, we saw that NASA rover Perseverance had landed on the Jezero Crater on Mars. (Here is a link to a great NatGeo article about this if you want more information). The team behind Perseverance launched a multi-ton rocket carrying a billion dollar rover equipped with incredibly sensitive lab equipment, radios and cameras that flew for 7 months and over 300,000,000 miles through space and landed on target on an inhospitable planet without damage. Minutes after landing, Perseverance started sending back pictures. Among other missions and tasks, Perseverance is going to collect and store soil and rock samples for possible return to Earth in a few years.
All of this blew me away - and got me thinking about the challenges we may face implementing our ideas. It also reminded me of this quote by Sara Blakely (the founder of Spanx): "If we can put a man on the moon, we can make pantyhose comfortable." While we don't have the financial backing of the US government or the support of thousands of engineers, we do have creativity, ingenuity, resourcefulness and of course, perseverance. If humankind can land a rover on MARS of all places, then we can figure out a way to turn our best ideas into reality. While what we create may not make the cover of National Geographic or be included in the history books, at least it will make people smile. Let's Do This.
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MY HUSBAND WON'T TAKE OFF HIS SUIT...HELP!
Hello - I need help...STAT! My husband recently received The Player as a gift and he literally won't take it off. It has been 3 weeks, morning and night, of nothing but red soft velour. He even sleeps in it. At some level, I can't blame him - it is soft and comfortable and looks great but I mean, that doesn't mean you wear it 24/7! I like to walk around naked because it is comfortable and my own little way of "sticking it to the man" but does that mean I do that all of the time?!?! Ah...no, it doesn't. Please help.
Dr. Not Sure What To Do – Dallas, TX
Dear Doc - unfortunately, this is not uncommon. People just love the soft and supple feel of velour and the look of a Velomino. One way to handle this is to get him another Velomino. He will definitely change suits more often! The Player is a great looking tracksuit but may not be appropriate for work or other office functions (unless he works at a velour tracksuit company!). If you are going to get him another Velomino, we recommend The Captain or The Executive. Both look great, the colors are a little more conservative and both give off the "all business" vibe. Btw - we took a poll here at Velomino HQ and most of us agree that walking around naked feels great and that we should all do it more often.
GOING COMMANDO IN A VELOUR TRACKSUIT (PART IV - THE LAST WORD (PLEASE))
Dear Velomino – Hanging Loose is right on the money (see “Going Commando in A Velour Tracksuit (Part II)” - Reader Mail (Jan 2021)) - speed bagging is the way to go. There is no other way to live. How you are going to feel each day starts with the type of drawers you are wearing and the best answer to that question is "no thank you".
Running Wild – Moosejaw, Saskatchewan
Dear Running Wild - So let us start off by saying we had never heard that term for "going commando" before...so...thanks (I guess?). It is one of those things you can't really unread, unfortunately. That said - this debate has sparked a lot of interest among our fans. We have reevaluated our position and come to the conclusion that people should just wear their Velomino how it feels best to them. Who are we to judge? You do you.
YOUR FAVORITE VELOMINO?
Hi All - my friends and I were at a party and we all were wondering which Velomino do you all like the best. Let us know!
Right to Know - Omaha, NE
Dear Right To Know – This is a tough question - each suit is so awesome in its own right, has its own personality and we don't like to pick favorites. It is like asking a parent to chose which one of their kids they love the most. However - we understand that if a choice has to be made, a choice has to be made. If we had to choose, we would choose....[TO BE CONTINUED]
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Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.
]]>. . .
Have a question you want to ask or an idea you want to run by us? Feel free to Contact Us.
]]>Location: Somewhere under a Stay-At-Home order.
Given stay-at-home restrictions, we have had a lot of time on our hands here at Velomino HQ. Some of us have taken up new instruments (like the ukulele*) or have learned to skateboard**. Still others have spent all their hours working on alternate product descriptions for yet to be created Velominos! Here are a few more:
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* Footnote - inspired by IZ!!!
** Footnote - ouch.
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The Break Up
Boyfriend/girlfriend not calling you back? Wants to hang out with their friends but not you? Tells you they want to see other people because they think it will make your relationship stronger? When it’s time to crank up the Alanis Morrisette and dive face-first into a tub of chocolate peanut butter swirl ice cream,* The Break Up is for you. Silky smooth velour on the outside yet not-taking-this-sh*t-or-any-sh*t-for-that-matter-thank-you-very-much strong on the inside, The Break Up is perfect for lonely nights on the couch. So, curl up with your cat/dog/turtle and turn on The Notebook. You’ll show them.
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* Footnote - professionally known as the best flavor of ice cream ever. Seriously. We used to work at an ice cream store in high school and chocolate peanut butter swirl was the one flavor which always sold out. Unlike, say, green pistachio (tl;dr: gross), which probably sold one scope all summer to a foreign tourist wearing a front-facing fanny pack who thought he was ordering mint chocolate chip (and who was about to be extremely disappointed).
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Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.
]]>What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing - they fast!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Did you get a hair cut? No - I got all of them cut!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it!
FRIEND/ACQUAINTENCE/CO-WORKER: Happy Birthday! How do you feel to be [INSERT AGE] years old? DAD: Well...the same way I have always felt...WITH MY HANDS!*
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it!
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* Footnote - No. 7 was my own dad's go-to on his birthday. I distinctly remember him telling this joke when my buddy Matt asked him this question on his birthday 30 years ago. It was one of the most cringeworthy events of my childhood. Matt still brings it up when we see each other.
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Let us know what some of your worst dad jokes were in the comments!
The Dog Walker
* Footnote - Coming in at an ultimate strength of 1510 megapascals**, tungsten is one of the toughest metals known to man.
**Footnote - We have no idea what this means but it sounds very very hard.
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Have a question you want to ask or an idea you want to run by us? Feel free to Contact Us.
Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.
]]>
. . .
Have a question you want to ask or an idea you want to run by us? Feel free to Contact Us.
Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.
]]>. . .
Have a question you want to ask or an idea you want to run by us? Feel free to Contact Us.
Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.
GOING COMMANDO IN A VELOUR TRACKSUIT (PART II)
Dear Velomino - I wanted to respond and disagree with your previous response to Living Free (see “Going Commando in A Velour Tracksuit” - Reader Mail (November 2020)) – there is nothing better than “going commando” in a Velomino velour tracksuit – you feel one with the Velomino in a way that you just don’t feel when you are wearing underwear. It is like you are wearing a second skin that not only feels amazing but looks great. I imagine it is kind of like when Luke Skywalker becomes one with the Force.* I highly recommend it to anyone that hasn’t tried it! For the record, I have to admit I hardly wear underwear, unless I am wearing wool pants, then I am DEFINITELY wearing underwear.
Hanging Loose – Wildwood, NJ.
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*EDITOR’S NOTE – We agree with you that the feeling of putting on a Velomino probably feels the same as when a Jedi Knight harnesses the power of the Force (except you look much better in a Velomino – the Jedi’s were powerful beings but definitely needed some style help - I mean, how about some color to go with that beige and brown, Obi-Wan!).
GOING COMMANDO IN A VELOUR TRACKSUIT (PART III)
Dear Velomino – I could not agree with you more (see “Going Commando in A Velour Tracksuit” - Reader Mail (November 2020)). One time I woke up and put on my Velomino (because I wanted to look my best, of course) without really thinking and honestly, I could not handle how good it felt to go “au natural”. I literally could not take it off and could not focus on anything other than how great it felt. I wore it for 7 days straight and it had to be pried off my body by my neighbor. Seriously – Don’t do it unless you are prepared to never want to wear anything else. I don’t recommend it to air traffic controllers, surgeons, watch repairers, tax accountants or skydivers. Things could get ugly.
Keeping it Tight – Chicago, IL.
WHAT TO WEAR UNDER A VELOMINO?
So I love my Velomino but I am not exactly sure what to wear underneath it. I mean, everything looks great but is it better to wear a plain t-shirt or something dressier? Just Trying To Look My Best – Austin, TX
Dear Just Trying To Look My Best – The best part about a Velomino is that no matter what you wear, you can’t go wrong! Customers have worn everything from nothing to a button-down shirt with a tie (which, we have to say, looks great in The Executive) and it all works. But we hear you – it is nice to have a little guidance. In our case – we like a plain t-shirt or one with a cool, not-too-over-the-top logo (shameless plug – there are plenty of them right here) – it keeps the focus on not only the Velomino, but more importantly on you.
GROUP VELOMINOS?
Hi Velomino - My friend group wants to get matching Velominos for a reunion weekend but want a matching design. Is this something you can do? Time to Party - San Francisco, CA
Dear Time to Party – you have come to the right place. We can definitely do that – check out our Customization and Groups page. We can make suits for you and all of your friends and can personalize all of them. Just send us an email to customerservice@velomino.com with the number of suits, sizes and design you would like and we will work with you to make that happen. Or if you don’t have any of those details, no worries - just reach out to us and we will help you figure it all out!
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Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.
]]>The Explorer
The Alpha
The Lumberjack
It’s a crisp 55 degrees as you look up at the towering 100 foot tall oak wearing your Velomino tracksuit. You gaze knowingly at the massive beast of bark, leaves and wood while you gingerly pick your teeth with the working end of your 20lb custom broad axe you affectionally call “Tiny”. A worthy foe. But then again - they all seem that way at the beginning. And then - you bring Tiny to the ready and that oak seems like a day old sapling that just cracked through its acorn.*
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* Footnote - we do not endorse cutting down big trees or anything else that has lived for 100s of years.
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Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.
]]>The Desert Flower
The desert is hot and sparse. You can't remember the last time you slept, and your water is running low. If only that bastard O’Houlihan hadn't double crossed you, you would be sitting next to a pool sipping a mai tai and wondering how you were going to spend all of that ... but that was yesterday (or a week ago?). As you survey the desert, a lonesome looking camel crests the ridge looking for grass and clump of cacti suck the very last water they can from the ground. In the distance you see something strange - it looks like an an oasis of milk and honey - a land of people partying and looking smooth and sharp. As you approach, you think this must be a mirage and you must be hallucinating from lack of water but as you get closer - the image gets clearer and more refined - WHAT are they wearing that makes them look so fine? Why they are wearing Velomino velour tracksuits.
The B.G (Big Game)
The sun rises over the windswept Serengeti as the lions, giraffes and cheetahs start to stir and begin their day. But not you. You are already up and wearing your Velomino velour tracksuit. You are not there to hunt the big game - you are the big game. And today is your day to dominate.
The NewU
Hey You. Yes. YOU! Treat yourself to a beautiful Velomino velour tracksuit because you deserve it! Wearing a Velomino tracksuit shapes your eyebrows, makes you look 25 lbs lighter and at least 10 years younger.* Do yourself a favor and get one today!
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* A Velomino tracksuit does none of those things. It does make you look way cooler than 99% of the people around you though.
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]]>*Footnote - Actually - we have not received any recipes but if you have something, please send our way!
IS THERE A WRONG TIME TO WEAR A VELOMINO TRACKSUIT?
I want to wear my Velomino tracksuit to my cousin’s wedding but my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/BFF/cousin told me I can’t and that it would be embarrassing. Is there ever a wrong time to wear a Velomino tracksuit? Anonymous – Everywhere, USA
Dear Anonymous – The answer is there is never a wrong time to wear a Velomino tracksuit. Listen – we all love our family and friends, imperfections and all, and sometimes you just can’t help those who don’t have fashion sense or a desire to chart their own path, or who can’t see how undeniably amazing it is to wear a Velomino tracksuit. Here is the thing: You do You. I promise you - they will still love you (and most of all respect you) and it will be one of the things everyone remembers! And even better idea is to get them their own Velomino tracksuit! Check out our collections for the latest styles and get them their own gift card so they can chose their own type of awesome.
GOING COMMANDO IN A VELOMINO TRACKSUIT
Would it be okay to “go commando” in a Velomino tracksuit? Asking for a friend. Living Free – San Diego CA.
Dear Living Free – No.
HATS WITH VELOMINO TRACKSUITS
I live in my Velomino tracksuit. I also like to wear hats. Any ideas on what types of hat one could wear with a Velomino tracksuit? Keeping Warm – Nome, AK
Dear Keeping Warm – Interesting question. Generally speaking – we don't wear hats when wearing our Velomino tracksuits. That said – we don’t judge. If you want to wear a hat with your Velomino tracksuit, we would recommend a knit cotton watch cap (and if you can get it in the same color as your Velomino tracksuit, even better) or a white baseball cap with minimal logos – you don’t want to distract from the beauty that is your Velomino tracksuit.
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]]>
THE [CENSORED]
You have got a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]. In fact your [CENSORED] is so [CENSORED] that people often stop you in the middle of the street to ask, “How do you [CENSORED] [CENSORED]”. “You want to know how?” you say, as you bring out [CENSORED] [CENSORED]. “By doing a lot of [CENSORED]”.
...
ME: [Showing my wife the uncensored version of this product description]
ME: “What do you think?”
WIFE: [Blank Stare]
WIFE: “You can’t possibly be serious.”
[Note - this is a statement, not a question]
ME: [shrugs awkwardly and mumbles something about trying to push the envelope and that Andy Warhol was misunderstood too when he first started out, etc, etc].
WIFE: [Blank stare of incredulity].
THE GLOVE
It’s Black. “How much more black could this be?” One Asks? The Answer: “None. None more black”*
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*Nigel Tufnel, guitarist for Spinal Tap, talking about the cover of the band’s landmark album, “Smell the Glove.” Spinal Tap was one of the greatest heavy metal bands to ever play Cleveland’s Xanadu Star Theater.** While it would be awesome if they did, none of Spinal Tap, Christopher Guest (who played Nigel) or anyone else associated with the mockumentary “This is Spinal Tap” has approved or endorsed this description or our company.
** Hallo Cleveland!! Actually, they never did make it on stage.
THE PIPE LAYER
Laying pipe is what you do and looking good in a Velomino tracksuit is how you do it.
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