Alternate Product Descriptions (March 2021)
Spring has definitely arrived here at VHQ and in keeping with the theme of renewal and rebirth, here are a few more alternate product descriptions! Let us know in the comments which ones should make it to The Show!
You are still at the office, as usual. Crushing through the paperwork and bureaucratic red-tape like hot knife through butter. Your time is your most valuable asset and you use it more efficiently than the Solar Impluse 2 uses the sun.* You don't suffer fools lightly. Why should you? You have way more important things to do than to worry about the bruised egos of some people who don't have the intestinal fortitude to work 12 hour days, be a present mother for 2 toddlers AND learn jiu-jitsu. And you look good doing it in your retro and super-soft Velomino tracksuit.
* Footnote - https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2016/jul/26/solar-impulse-plane-makes-history-completing-round-the-world-trip. surprisingly - the bicycle is one of the most efficient machines ever invented. http://www.copenhagenize.com/2009/01/most-efficient-machine-ever-invented.html
You don't have to drive all of the snakes from Ireland* to be a national hero - you just need to look and feel your best while standing out. That's why we chose The Shamrock, an unheard of amalgamation of power, comfort and horsepower** combined in a super-soft Velomino velour tracksuit that tells that world that you should have your own international holiday.
*Footnote - Legend has it that St. Patrick drove all of the snakes from Ireland.
**Footnote - Oops - wrong ad copy.
You have got a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]. In fact your [CENSORED] is so [CENSORED] that people often stop you in the middle of the street while you are wearing your Velomino tracksuit to ask, “How do you [CENSORED] [CENSORED]”. “You want to know how?” you say, as you bring out [CENSORED] [CENSORED]. “By doing a lot of [CENSORED]”.
ME: [Showing my wife the uncensored version of this product description].
ME: "What do you think?"
WIFE: [Blank Stare]
WIFE: "You can't possibly be serious." [Note: this is a statement, not a question]
ME: [Shrugs awkwardly and mumbles something about trying to push the envelope and that Andy Warhol was misunderstood too when he first started out, etc, etc]
WIFE: [Blank stare ]
* Footnote - by popular demand, this was reprinted from one of our earlier blog posts.
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