Alternate Product Descriptions (February 2021)

Alternate Product Descriptions (February 2021)

Date: February 2021

Location: Somewhere under a Stay-At-Home order.

Given stay-at-home restrictions, we have had a lot of time on our hands here at Velomino HQ. Some of us have taken up new instruments (like the ukulele*) or have learned to skateboard**. Still others have spent all their hours working on alternate product descriptions for yet to be created Velominos! Here are a few more:


* Footnote - inspired by IZ!!!

** Footnote - ouch.


The Chef
The master chef surveys the kitchen like a general surveying the battlefield. As sous-chefs and apprentices and dishwashers move around in a carefully choreographed dance of  plates, pate and pasta, you momentarily look on in admiration at what you have created. Not that you are resting on your laurels - you need to get better and one way you do that is by wearing your ultra-comfortable yet stylish Velomino velour tracksuit. It helps you focus on the important things. And culture flows from the top, my friend.


The Break Up

Boyfriend/girlfriend not calling you back?  Wants to hang out with their friends but not you?  Tells you they want to see other people because they think it will make your relationship stronger?  When it’s time to crank up the Alanis Morrisette and dive face-first into a tub of chocolate peanut butter swirl ice cream,* The Break Up is for you.  Silky smooth velour on the outside yet not-taking-this-sh*t-or-any-sh*t-for-that-matter-thank-you-very-much strong on the inside, The Break Up is perfect for lonely nights on the couch.  So, curl up with your cat/dog/turtle and turn on The Notebook. You’ll show them.


* Footnote - professionally known as the best flavor of ice cream ever. Seriously. We used to work at an ice cream store in high school and chocolate peanut butter swirl was the one flavor which always sold out. Unlike, say, green pistachio (tl;dr: gross), which probably sold one scope all summer to a foreign tourist wearing a front-facing fanny pack who thought he was ordering mint chocolate chip (and who was about to be extremely disappointed).

The Kicker
The kicker stands alone. The big game is tied, there is 1 second on the clock and everyone is out of time-outs. As you stare at the uprights over 50 long yards away, you think about all of the kicks you made in practice, all of those you missed and all of the adjustments and corrections you made to make sure those misses never happened again. Everyone looks at you a little strangely when you jog on to the field - instead of football pads, you are wearing your stylish and ultra-comfortable Velomino velour tracksuit. But you want to be comfortable and show the world what you were thinking in your head: "I Got This".

. . .

Have a question you want to ask or an idea you want to run by us? Feel free to Contact Us.

Or are you ready to start your journey to Awesome Town? If so - Let's Do This.


Leave a comment

All blog comments are checked prior to publishing