Alternate Product Descriptions (January 2021)

Alternate Product Descriptions (January 2021)

Another round of alternate product descriptions. Let us know which ones should make it to The Show (aka the "Adult/Youth" Collection)




The Dog Walker

Everyone thinks that a dog walker looks fun. You spend all of your time outside and your buns become harder than tungsten* from all of that walking. But sister, it is a lot of hard work. On top of that, you like to look your best. That’s why you wear your ultra-luxurious and super soft Velomino velour tracksuit. Nothing screams I-Am-Large-And-In-Charge of FiFi, Tugger and Chairman Bowwow than a Velomino.


* Footnote - Coming in at an ultimate strength of 1510 megapascals**, tungsten is one of the toughest metals known to man.

**Footnote - We have no idea what this means but it sounds very very hard.

The Brown Sugar
Sweet as molasses and smooth as silk, this Velomino velour tracksuit oozes confidence and sophistication.  As you soon as you enter a room, people can feel the presence of something awesome yet surprisingly comfortable. As they look around trying to figure out what just unexpectedly took their night to 11*, their eyes settle on that monument of cotton and polyester that is seems to be gyrating on your body as if it were doing the Rumba.** 
*Footnote - One of the greatest movie scenes ever (This is Spinal Tap):
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.
**Footnote  - Otherwise known as the "Dance of Love".

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