The Explorer peering out of the jungle looking for the Cuidad de Terciopelo (City of Velour). Humorous blog post

Alternate Product Descriptions (December 2020)

Here are some more "alternate" product descriptions that just did not make the cut (but who knows, maybe one day one of these will make it to the big leagues!):

The Explorer

The jungle is hot and humid. You and your team have been cutting a rough swath through giraffe-high grass for days, fending off bird-sized mosquitos and alligator-sized snakes. Not everyone has made it this far but they all knew the risks when they signed up. Ray had been with you since that drunken night in Shanghai back in ‘97... Maureen since that unforgettable sunset walk in Marrakech in ‘05. You could always count on them to have your back. But now?
As the sun rises in the distance, you have a feeling you are getting close. You and your team are searching for the lost mythical city of Cuidad de Terciopelo,* where Men were Men and Women were Men,** where legend has it that everyone always looked smooth and sharp and those who didn’t...well...
You are thinking about how you and your team are looking now - you have sweat through all of your clothes - well, almost all. You have something in your pack that you plan on leaving as an offering to the gods once you get there - a Velomino tracksuit. You know they will be pleased.
*Footnote - Google Translate
**Footnote - Wait...What?!?


The Alpha

You enter the park like it’s your own backyard as the mid-day sun shines overhead, wearing your Velomino tracksuit. Everyone’s there - the cute poodle FiFi, yipping for more treats, the droopy-eared beagle Glenn who seems dangerously close to stepping on his own ears, and of course Gene, the wannabe gangster goldendoodle whose owners insist on giving him the Cupcake Cut.*
As if someone sounded an imaginary dog whistle, the other dogs stop what they are doing and immediately fall in line behind you. As Leon the miniature schnauzer gets shoved out of line by FiFi, you look back at the rag tag bunch of mutts and hangers on and give them the sign that things are about to get interesting. You take off like rocket. This puppy was born to run.
*Footnote -  Be warned - some things can't be unseen.


The Lumberjack

It’s a crisp 55 degrees as you look up at the towering 100 foot tall oak wearing your Velomino tracksuit. You gaze knowingly at the massive beast of bark, leaves and wood while you gingerly pick your teeth with the working end of your 20lb custom broad axe you affectionally call “Tiny”. A worthy foe. But then again - they all seem that way at the beginning. And then - you bring Tiny to the ready and that oak seems like a day old sapling that just cracked through its acorn.* 

 * Footnote - we do not endorse cutting down big trees or anything else that has lived for 100s of years. 

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