Alternate Product Descriptions (November 2020)

Alternate Product Descriptions (November 2020)

At Velomino, we try our hardest to make everything about the site and your experience engaging. To that end, we spend a lot of time working on our product descriptions. Some are amazing (see The Player) and others...well...not so much. Below are a few of our alternate descriptions which did not make the cut. Who knows, maybe one day one of these will make it to the big leagues! 




 You have got a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]. In fact your  [CENSORED] is so [CENSORED] that people often stop you in the middle of the street to ask, “How do you [CENSORED] [CENSORED]”. “You want to know how?” you say, as you bring out [CENSORED] [CENSORED]. “By doing a lot of [CENSORED]”. 


ME: [Showing my wife the uncensored version of this product description]

ME:  “What do you think?”

WIFE: [Blank Stare]

WIFE: “You can’t possibly be serious.”

[Note - this is a statement, not a question]

ME: [shrugs awkwardly and mumbles something about trying to push the envelope and that Andy Warhol was misunderstood too when he first started out, etc, etc]. 

WIFE: [Blank stare of incredulity]. 


It’s Black. “How much more black could this be?” One Asks? The Answer: “None. None more black”*


*Nigel Tufnel, guitarist for Spinal Tap, talking about the cover of the band’s landmark album, “Smell the Glove.” Spinal Tap was one of the greatest heavy metal bands to ever play Cleveland’s Xanadu Star Theater.** While it would be awesome if they did, none of Spinal Tap, Christopher Guest (who played Nigel) or anyone else associated with the mockumentary “This is Spinal Tap” has approved or endorsed this description or our company. 

 ** Hallo Cleveland!! Actually, they never did make it on stage. 


Laying pipe is what you do and looking good in a Velomino tracksuit is how you do it. 

. . .

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