The sun is shining, the grocery store is all out of charcoal briquettes, and the fellas down at Crazy Tony’s Novelty Neckties have been hauling in big heavy boxes all morning, which can only mean one thing: Father’s Day is here! Father’s Day is one of our favorite holidays here at Velomino, since it gives us a chance to thank our dads for all that they’ve done for us over the years – and even better, to do so while scarfing down a ton of burgers, hot dogs, and ice-cold brewskis out in dad’s backyard. In honor of Father’s Day, we thought we’d share with you what some of our velour tracksuit personalities are doing to celebrate with their dads this weekend. We just hope you won’t get too jealous, because when their dads get ready to party – they get ready to PAR-TAY…
The Player:
When the Player was growing up, his dad taught him all the right moves and gave him the confidence to strut into any room like he was Billy Dee Williams about to hit up the dance floor. His dad was the one who taught him how to properly mousse up, keep his velour tracksuit at three-quarter zip to show off just the perfect amount of chest hair, and how to throw a wink that would melt the heart of even the iciest Elsa in the room.
As his way of giving back to the man who gave so much to him, The Player treats his dad to the exact same Father’s Day celebration each year: with a boys-only road trip up to Vegas for a little craps, a hefty porterhouse at the Dan Marino steakhouse, and a friendly competition to see who can croon Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual” better, down more Jager bombs, and stay on the mechanical bull longer at karaoke night down at Gilley’s honky-tonk.
The Executive:
No one climbs their way to the highest peaks of the business world without facing more than their fair share of adversity – which is exactly why The Executive is so thankful that she had her dad there to support her every step of the way. Other dads may have had some reservations about seeing their daughter playing with adding machines instead of Barbies, or asking to go to Finance Camp instead of Cheerleading Camp for the summer. Not The Executive’s dad, though! He just smiled, told her never to let other people’s opinions stop her from being herself, gave her the seed money to start up the first lemonade stand in her (eventual) refreshment empire, and kept playing her in Monopoly night after night, even though she had a 900-game plus winning streak going.
The Executive knows she wouldn’t be the tycoon she is today without her loving dad there to nurture her along the way. That’s why this Father’s Day, she’ll be gassing up her favorite private jet to fly her dad out for a steak dinner at Peter Luger’s in New York, followed by beignets at Café Du Mond in New Orleans for desert, and then back home to the game room of her palatial estate for a father/daughter Monopoly match-up…where she may just let him win for the first time since the first Bush administration, if she’s feeling generous.
The Captain:
They say that the greatest leaders are born, not made – and ever since The Captain used her first steps to toddle directly into the backyard pool, her father – The Admiral – knew that his bouncing baby girl would one day be destined for greatness. Not that it came as any big surprise to him – after all, The Admiral himself descended from an unbroken line of great naval leaders stretching back as far as the Napoleonic Wars.
While some children might struggle to live up to the burden of such a distinguished heritage, The Captain took to it like…well…like a duck to water. All she ever wanted to do was to make The Admiral proud – and boy, did she ever! Whether she was schooling her classmates in her advanced knowledge of knot-tying or critiquing Russell Crowe’s command presence in Master and Commander, The Captain spent every day showing off her passion for the family’s nautical legacy – and her determination to become the family’s greatest leader yet.
She knows she wouldn’t be the woman she is today without her father’s ever-present love and support. That’s why this Father’s Day, she’ll be taking her father down for a five-pound ‘Blue Whale’ platter of fried shrimp and quahog* (not to mention a few tots of rum) at The Admiral’s favorite beachside seafood shack, followed by a trip to the marina for a few leisurely hours browsing the wares at the local Boat Show – and, of course, a special V.I.P. meet-and-greet with The Admiral’s favorite celebrity, the guy who played Isaac on The Love Boat.
The Gunslinger:
You might think a bad-ass renegade like The Gunslinger would be far too macho to make a big deal about Father’s Day…but you’d be wrong, because the only thing The Gunslinger loves more than throwing on his velour tracksuit and taking a spin on his finely-tuned chopper is a little quality time with his dear old dad.
The Gunslinger couldn’t have asked for a better role model than his dad was growing up. His dad was the one who taught him to always walk tall, shake a man’s hand firmly, and live up to his given word – and also how to track a 600-pound grizzly through the woods, wrestle him down for a three-count fair and square (the trick is to catch him with a Stunner, a move which Stone Cold Steve Austin actually learned from The Gunslinger’s dad), and then turn him into a lifelong friend after he’s won that bear’s respect, just to show there’s no hard feelins’ after.
The Gunslinger has nearly lost track of all the countless lessons that his dad has taught him over the years. That’s why ever Father’s Day, he invites his dad over for a few bowls of his famous home-cooked ‘Six Alarm’ alligator chili, washes that down with a little ‘shine brewed up according to the family’s secret recipe, and presents his dad with a new piece of handmilled hickory furniture – just like his dad taught him back in the day.
No matter where your Father’s Day adventures take you this weekend, just remember: whether you and your dad end up taking on the meanest mechanical bronco this side of the Mississippi, jet-setting across half the globe, wrasslin’ down Grizzlies, or just hanging with old sitcom stars down by the marina, you won’t find a more comfortable outfit to do it in than a warm, velvety velour tracksuit – the perfect outfit to match any Father’s Day outing.
Happy Father’s Day from all of us here at Velomino!
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* FOOTNOTE: Quahog is an edible marine bivalve mollusk that is native to the eastern shores of North America and Central America from Prince Edward Island to the Yucatán Peninsula. Basically its a clam and its fried. Boom.
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