They say that April showers bring May flowers – and here at Velomino, May is all about two things: crafting the perfect velour tracksuit and showering our moms with an extra-large heaping helping of love for Mother’s Day. Whether it was sweating out a 36-hour labor to bring us into this world, staying up late each year to bake our favorite pineapple upside-down cake for our birthday, or sitting with us through the entirety of “that loud movie with the talking rat that’s married to the tree” (as she calls Guardians of the Galaxy), our moms have always sacrificed so much to try to make us happy. So, in honor of Mother’s Day, we thought we’d share with you what some of our velour tracksuit personalities will be doing this Sunday to mark their own Mother’s Day celebrations, so that you can take notes – and maybe adjust some of your own Mother’s Day plans if inspiration strikes…
Every mother believes that their child is destined for greatness – but when your eight-year-old spends weeks begging for a subscription to Forbes Magazine for Christmas, you just know you’ve got a future tycoon on your hands. The Executive’s mother recognized that spark of greatness in her daughter from a young age – and she did everything she could to fan those flames of inspiration. While other kids were into My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake, The Executive was playing with the Wall Street action figures that she bought her (the Charlie Sheen one came with three removable power ties and a working miniature cell phone, which was pretty cool) and hanging up posters of Alec Baldwin’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross.
The Executive knows that she owes her current position as a Captain of Industry to her lifelong love and support. That’s why every Mother’s Day, she tells her three weekend secretaries to hold all her calls, closes down the five restaurants she owns that her mom loves the best to the general public, and tells her helicopter pilot to fly Tony Bennett to whichever one she feels like going to – because Tony’s got an extra-special V.I.P. to sing for that day!
The Player may love the game…but he loves his mama even more! He knows that he owes his swagger, his smoothness, and his unshakeable confidence to growing up with the greatest mother in the world – a mother who showered him with unconditional love, bought him his very first velour tracksuit, and taught him all the freshest of his many funky-fly dance moves.
The Player’s mama raised him to treat every lady like a princess – so every Mother’s Day, he treats her like a queen, bringing her a bouquet of long-stemmed pink roses, treating her to a boozy champagne brunch down by the Santa Monica pier…and then heading straight to the retro roller-disco so that his mom can prove she still knows how to groove out on the dance floor!
Since the Dawn of Man, scientists and philosophers alike have long been asking the age-old question: are outlaws born, or are they made? While we may never determine the answer for certain, we do know that when The Gunslinger’s mother rode her Harley up to Sturgis the week after she was born, she had her strapped into her BabyBjorn right alongside.
When you’ve got a badass motorcycle mama who teaches you how to trick out your own custom chopper, how to stare down a grizzly bear and make him go around you, and how to ALWAYS win that knife-between-the-fingers game that Lance Henriksen plays in Aliens, does that mean she’s raising you to be renegade…or just passing along her own renegade DNA?
Either way, Mother’s Day for The Gunslinger always starts with breakfast burritos and tequila shots, moves on to a few spirited rounds of billiards and darts down at her favorite biker bar, and ends the same way every year: with The Gunslinger’s mama picking a fight with some dude named Spider (there’s ALWAYS at least one dude named Spider hanging around) just so she and her baby girl can go double dragon on the local riders from the Harley crew…
While the other moms were shuttling their kids to soccer practice or karate class, The Captain’s mom was driving him to sailing lessons down at the yacht club and taking on extra shifts to pay for his “nautical gibberish” tutor, so that he’d know the difference between a mizzenmast, a jackline, and a shuttlecock (that last one is from badminton – without the tutor, he never would have known!)
But The Captain’s mother never minded the odd little looks she sometimes got from some of the other moms (especially that snooty know-it-all Debbie Malcolmson), because she knew that she hadn’t just birthed a son – she was raising a salty dog destined to grow up and become a leader of the people. And to thank her for her steadfast faith, love, and support, every year The Captain sails her out to Catalina Island on his private catamaran for a beachside family barbecue, where he grills her up a couple of lobsters that he handpicks for her while free-diving just offshore.
We bet those other moms are laughing out the other side of their mouths now, while their grown-up soccer-playing brats are dragging them out to a late lunch at Hometown Buffet – and “forgetting” to bring their wallets along. Not standing so tall now, are you Debbie Malcolmson! We all know your loser son didn’t “decide” to “branch out into entrepreneurial projects” – he got fired from Applebee’s for selling counterfeit jeans in the parking lot. And we hate to break it to you, but selling poorly-made lanyards on Etsy does not make him an “entrepreneur” either…
No matter where your plans take you this Mother’s Day, just remember: your mom deserves a little bit of pampering this weekend – and nothing says “pampering” better than a day spent with your loved ones wrapped in the warm, velvety comfort of a fine velour tracksuit.
Happy Mother’s Day from all of us here at Velomino!